About a week ago, I went to Blue Earth with Vickie. The woman I would love to be my mother-in-law someday. But dunno if it's going to happen. Today I found out her son Alex is interested in another girl. Which, I guessed. I mean, what the fuck? He lives two hours away and goes to a decent-sized college. Half of the girls there have to be in love with him. He's not only hot, with his curly brown hair and sparkling green eyes and growing bulgy muscles but he really tries and is serious about academics he is studying.
Anyway, enough of that vent.
But I was really down about it that day I was going to hang out with his mother and her other two boys. It's been kinda getting that way. I love all of them and they all return the same feeling, but I know Vickie does love me best out of all of them. It's been that way since three years ago, when we met at the other library she was working at before she was pretty much shooed out.
I feel for her when she's hurting. Like I do for her kids. Well, Jonathan isn't exactly hers; he's her husband's who was with another woman before he came back and married Vickie. But that is one of the reasons he is struggling. He and Vickie were in a heated fight over him going to see his younger sister this summer but Vickie wasn't liking his attitude. Although I don't excuse Jonathan, I feel sorry for him. He has to feel like he doesn't belong in the family at all, except when his dad is around. Because his other brother, Kellan, isn't a full brother either but Kellan isn't Alex's either. Kellan was from another man Vickie was with after about seven years after she and Chad broke up, after she had Alex.
I know. It's a fucked up mess. But it's okay. She wasn't/isn't whorish. She didn't cheat on either Chad or the other guy; she had them separate times.
Anyway. Both Vickie and Jonathan were pissed at each other. When they picked me up from my house, I didn't even get a hello until ten minutes down the road.
But I'm not judging her for that either. From the way it looked and sounded, both of them needed to vent a hell lot of steam. And I felt bad. But I'm getting to think, Hey! This is life. This is how real people act.
And Vickie is genuine. She WILL NOT pretend like everything is okay when it's not. She'll finish what she started before she lets it go.
I cried all that morning, just because I felt sorry for myself because Alex was no longer treating me like he used to. But then, watching his mom and brother, I realized that much more goes on than I know. It's not necessarily a bad thing. But there are bigger things out there other than my fucking shitty puddle of self-pity.
Jonathan was having a really hard time. He was sitting up at the front with Vickie, and I was in the back with Kellan. I felt like giving Jonathan a hug, so I did. When I let go, tears dropped. But they weren't from me.
They were from Jonathan.
I wanted to do more, tell him more. But I didn't know what more to do or say and I didn't want to get in a bad place with Vickie so I didn't even try to think.
There's something about this family I love so much. I know they're screwed and my parents don't think they'd be the best second family for me, but I do. They would keep me humble and learning, and I would hurt with them.
Because nobody is perfect.

I'm in a trance right now.

I'm making a life for myself. Sometimes I have to play the mindless zombie and do whatever I'm being forced to do at the time. Clean-- dust, my room, kitchen, dishes, whatever. My mom makes me feel like a slave, and I'm 19. Yes, I still live at home but shouldn't I have more freedom? Now I'm not saying I'd be a total junkie but she's a cleaning fanatic. If I don't do the same toilsome duties she asks me to do, she bitches about it. If I'm around, but don't care, it gets back to my dad. Then he gets pissed off.

My life will not be a housewife. I have better ideas in mind. I've been the homeschooler who's never been able to get out. That will change at college, and thank God, is changing in some ways around here.

I finally got a job at a restaurant/bar as a hostess.  It feels the same as being at home, doing the same shit and even more than that but I'm treated better. And I get paid. What I need.

I needed this job. For money. For something to do. Everyone else has their thing and makes me feel like I'm bothering them when I try to go out on occasion. And let me tell you, it's not every weekend. Hell, I'm lucky if I get out with friends once a month. And the friends I have... well, they're not the best. But I can't help it. It's what I have. Right now, I have to take what I can get. But I'm getting pickier. That will change, too.

Oh, and guess what. I'm working weekends. I'm not waiting around for any fuckers anymore to call me up and tell me they want to go out. 'Cos they never do. I usually end up trying to  try, and it never works out. While everyone goes out on dates, works at their job, takes extra college credits, goes out with their other friends, etc.... I've been stuck at home. Trying to write. Trying to read. Trying to keep living.

Not anymore.

I'm working as all hell on my writer's course too It transfers 6 college credits to the college I'll be going to in the fall. I'm being praised for songs I write. Things are picking up at a gradual pace on both of my two serious novels right now.

Life feels good... and crappy at the same time.

I might be going somewhere.

But I'm still lonely.

I'm getting used to both.

I'm my own personal Jesus. Looking to no one.